Right now, the Pittsburgh Pirates are flying high. They're a surprising 11-games over .500 and in first place in the NL Central Division at the All-Star break. The team is the talk of Major League Baseball.
To complement this awesome rise to the top for the Buccos, the team has adopted the now famous "Zoltan" sign as an inspirational symbol of the 2012 season. Anytime a player gets a big hit or scores an important run, they flash the "Zoltan" sign. And now that the team is doing so well, the fans have bought into the phenomenon and are continuously flashing the sign themselves.
This is the kind of thing that beautifully goes hand-in-hand (get it) with such a surprisingly awesome season.
Of course, the Pirates need to be careful, because something like this can be over-done and over-marketed.
I don't want to see what happened to the old wrestling faction, the nWo, happen to Zoltan.
The nWo was a heel wrestling group in WCW in the 90's, and at the time, it was the hottest thing in wrestling. However, in the ensuing years, WCW tried to take it too far--the group was broken up into heel and face factions--and, eventually, they drove a great idea right into the ground.
Let's hope this doesn't happen with Zoltan. Sure, right now, everything is great, and all the players are flashing the sign, but what if jealousy starts to rear its ugly head?
For example, I can see the pitchers becoming jealous, at least some of them. What if, one day during pre-game warm-ups, Erik Bedard and Kevin Correia just start attacking fellow pitcher A.J. Burnett for no reason? And, soon, Brad Lincoln joins in, and nobody can believe what's happening.
What the hell's going on here, damn it! Will somebody come out here and please help Burnett?
A bunch of other players come over to break it up, including Andrew McCutchen and Pedro Alvarez. They do break up the scrum, but then Alvarez just starts attacking Cutch for no reason.
What the hell is this all about? What's going on, damn it! Somebody please stop this!
The umpires soon break it up, but nobody can figure out what the hell is going on.
The next day at a press conference, Bedard and Correia announce that they're sick and tired of being overshadowed by Burnett. Bedard: "I was supposed to be the key offseason pitching acquisition! I was brought in to be the ace of the staff. I was a bargain, damn it! But that wasn't good enough for the Pirates. No, they had to bring you in, Burnett. You, with your great attitude and tattoos, taking over the clubhouse and becoming the "leader." Well, nobody leads me. You hear me, Burnett! You're the reason why I'm 4-10!" And then Correia jumps in: "As for the rest of you, especially the "hitters." We pitchers carried you guys for the first two months of the season. You with your .217 batting average and lowest run total in the league! We deserved better than that! Now that you've all gotten hot, suddenly everyone is flashing the Zoltan sign, and you know what? It makes me sick! We pitchers deserve all the credit, and we should be the ones flashing the sign. From now on, this group will be known as "Zoltan Pitchers." You're either with us or against us!"
Soon, James McDonald emerges, and he takes the microphone: "Yeah, I'm tired of people giving Burnett credit for working with me. The only person who deserves credit for my success is me!"
McDonald is part of Zoltan Pitchers? Don't tell he he's going to turn his back on A.J., too. What does this all mean, Bobby?
And now here's Brad Lincoln's music: "Yeah, I should be the closer of this team, not Joel Hanrahan! I was a first round pick in 2006. I was drafted as a starter, and now I have to be in the bullpen? If I'm going to be in the bullpen, I should be the closer. Hanrahan, when the time is right, I'm going to take that closer spot away from you, you hear me?"
Bedard, Correia, McDonald, Lincoln. And, look at this, Juan Cruz and Jeff Karstens! They're all part of Zoltan Pitchers! How can they turn their back on the fans, damn it! They're all flashing the Zoltan sign. What does this all mean, Bobby?
The next day at pitchers' batting practice, Burnett comes out of the tunnel and he's got a microphone in hand. Bedard, McDonald, Correia and Lincoln all head for the hills.
Burnett: "Yeah, what you guys did to me the other day was sickening. Bedard and Correia, you suck, I'll kick your asses the first chance I get. And as for you, McDonald. We were like brothers! I took you under my wing, and you want to turn your back on me? And Lincoln. You're a punk. If you had half the stuff that Hanrahan has, you'd be the closer. But you just don't have the guts, son."
Suddenly, McCutchen's music starts to play. He's coming out to the field, and he's joined by Garrett Jones, Neil Walker, Hanrahan, Michael McKenry, Clint Barmes, Drew Sutton, Casey McGehee, Jason Grilli, Tony Watson, everyone is there to support Burnett.
McCutchen: "A.J., I just want you to know how much you mean to us, man. You're an inspiration, and we got your back, dude. I don't know where that punk, Pedro Alvarez, is, but he's too chicken to meet me face to face. Well, Pedro, anytime you want to face me like a man, you just bring it! But enough about that for now. What these pitchers did was downright disgusting. They turned their back on us. They turned their back on the fans (crowd roars). If they don't want us, we'll just have to form our own pack. In fact, from now on, we're going to call ourselves Zoltan Wolfpac. (Crowd roars again). A.J., will you join our group?"
Crowd chants: "A.J!" "A.J!"
Burnett: "I'm with you guys 100%." (Flashes Zoltan sign.)
Suddenly, Alvarez's music starts. He slowly walks out to the PNC Park diamond and grabs a microphone.
Alvarez: "You know what, McCutchen! I was supposed to be the savior of this team. Not you. (crowd boos). I was the one who was supposed to be an MVP candidate! Vote for Pedro, damn it! Well, I don't care what these people think of you, or how many times they chant "MVP" (crowd roars for Cutch), I am the savior of this team. And if you people can't appreciate what I do, maybe Zoltan Pitchers can."
What's this? Alvarez is joining Zoltan Pitchers? He's not even a pitcher, Bobby. What does this all mean?
Wait a minute, here comes Josh Harrison and Rod Barajas. What the hell? Harrison just smacked Barmes in the back of the head with a bat! Harrison: "Barmes, you and your .199 batting average. You suck! I should be playing shortstop. You hear me?"
Somebody stop this!
Wait a minute. Why is Barajas carrying McDonald's jacket? Is he part of Zoltan Pitchers, too?
McDonald: "That's right, Rod. Bring me my jacket. You know you belong to Zoltan Pitchers. You're my personal catcher, and I own you. You will catch for me, and you will catch for Bedard and Correia, all of us. You understand?"
Barajas reluctantly walks over and grabs the mic from McDonald: "Yeah, JMac, I understand."
Rod Barajas is part of Zoltan Pitchers? He's just too cool for that, damn it! He's one of the founding members of the Zoltan symbol. How can he turn his back on the fans?
Zoltan Pitchers music plays.
So, Harrison, Alvarez and Barajas are all part of Zoltan Pitchers, Bobby? What does this all mean?
A few days later, right after a huge win at PNC Park, Zoltan Pitchers and Zoltan Wolfpac nearly come to blows. But wait a minute. Is that Jose Tabata in the stands? What the hell....what the hell is he doing here? He's supposed to be in Triple A. Wait, he's coming down to the field. Whose side is he on? Whose side is he on?
A week later, during a pre-game scuffle between between McCutchen and Burnett of the Wolfpac and Correia and McDonald of the Pitchers, Tabata can be seen sitting in the stands, just watching...quietly, mysteriously. Whose side is he on? Suddenly, Alvarez and Barajas come down from the back in support of Zoltan Pitchers.
What the hell are they doing here? What is Alvarez doing with that bat? He has no business being down here.
Crowd chant directed at Alvarez: ".231!" ".231!" ".231!"
A few minutes later, Garrett Jones and Neil Walker come down to even the odds for the Zoltan Wolfpac. (Crowd roars.)
Chant directed at Barajas: "You sold out!" "You sold out!" "You sold out!"
Suddenly, Tabata comes down from the stands with bat in hand. Finally, some relief is on the way! But what side is Tabata on? He's going after Pedro and Barajas! He's Zoltan Wolfpac! But wait, he just smacked McCutchen in the back with that baseball bat!
What the hell is going on here?
Wait a minute! Barajas just nailed McDonald! He's part of Zoltan Wolfpac! Maybe he can save Cutch!
Suddenly, Tabata is joined on the field by Alvarez, Juan Cruz and.....Barajas! Barajas just nailed McCutchen with a bat! He's not part of Zoltan Wolfpac. He's turned his back on the fans again!
All four men start beating McCutchen as he lay prone out in center field. What's this? Is it, is it...It's Latin Zoltan!
Latin music starts blaring over the PNC Park sound-system as all four player stand in the middle of the diamond and flash the Zoltan sign.
What does this all mean, Bobby?
Anyway, I can see this all happening. Let's just hope this whole Zoltan thing doesn't go too far.
No comments:
Post a Comment